I went for a coffee with this girl I was speaking to, we were there two hours and a halfish, longer than I expected, I thought it went ok. We kept talking a bit after that, then she said she just wanted to be friends. I felt like my stomach had tried to turn itself inside out.
Now whenever I’m in work and see her, I feel sick. I have ruined one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.
I find myself, for the first time in year, really wanting to self harm again. I thought I was past this, I thought I was better. I’ve spent so long trying to be better, isolating myself from relationships. Years of hard work, ruined by a coffee.
I keep looking at my scars and having to remind myself how much better they look now they’re a few years old and how bad they used to be.
I don’t really use this now unless I need to vent.
So I’m six months into my new job, I actually love it.
I attribute a lot of my achievement over 2016 to not wanting anything with girls. I’ve tried to avoid being attracted to girls and have generally been successful at doing so.
I recently got talking to a girl at work and she’s amazing. I don’t think she feels the same way, she agreed to meet up outside of work but seems to have changed her mind. I don’t know why that is and, to be honest, her reason is irrelevant as the decision would remain the same. I do, however, feel so stupid to have let myself get in that deep for the first time in a very long time. I truly believe my life would be better if I could not be physically or romantically attracted to anyone.
There was this girl I got introduced to last week and we really hit it off, like I can’t really remember the last time I got on so well with a girl.
We got talking and somehow we’re supposed to be going out for a drink together. For the sake of my own clarity, I’m going to refer to this as a date. It’s been a long long time since I’ve been on a date with someone. I’m not really sure how to feel about it. The last few years have been the most productive I have ever been. I attribute a large portion of that to forcing myself not to be interested in anyone. I’m not even sure whether to go or not. She’s really fun and really attractive, I just think I’m better alone.
